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Sorry you feel that way: why passive aggression took over the world

From Slack to the dinner table, honesty really is the best policy

Nov 21st 2023

"Sorry You Feel That Way: The Rise of Passive Aggression in the Modern World"

In a world increasingly dominated by indirect communication, passive aggression has become a subtle yet pervasive force in our personal and professional lives. Whether it's the silent treatment at the dinner table or a snarky comment during a team meeting, this form of veiled hostility has infiltrated our interactions, often leaving us bewildered and frustrated.

Consider the scenario of Aaron and Jim, a couple whose evening plans were derailed by a work call. As Jim patiently waited for dinner, Aaron remained engrossed in business jargon that Jim, a musician, despised. When Aaron finally joined him at the table, his overly enthusiastic compliments on the now cold meal were met with a thunderous expression from Jim, who had lost his appetite. This encounter, which Aaron later recounted in a therapy session, is a textbook example of passive aggression—a behavioral pattern that has become increasingly common in modern relationships.

Passive aggression is a form of indirect hostility, characterized by subtle, often insidious actions or words that express antagonism while maintaining plausible deniability. It thrives in environments where direct confrontation is discouraged, such as the workplace, where professionalism often masks deeper frustrations. We’ve all encountered the colleague who offers backhanded compliments or the boss who hints at staying late for a call with California, leaving us to question our own reactions.

The roots of passive aggression are complex and deeply embedded in our psyche. It allows individuals to express resentment without openly admitting it, often shifting the burden of guilt onto the recipient. This strategy can be particularly effective in hierarchical settings, where power dynamics make direct confrontation risky. In the workplace, where politeness is paramount, passive aggression can be a way to assert control or express dissatisfaction without crossing professional boundaries.

However, the rise of remote work has amplified the prevalence of passive aggression. Digital communication platforms like Slack and email lack the nuances of face-to-face interaction, making it easier for misunderstandings to occur. A hastily written message can easily be misinterpreted as sarcastic or resentful, further fueling suspicions of hidden hostility.

The literary world offers a timeless example of passive aggression in Herman Melville’s “Bartleby, the Scrivener.” The titular character’s repeated refrain, “I would prefer not to,” embodies the essence of passive aggression. Bartleby’s refusal to comply with his employer’s requests, without outright rejecting them, creates a sense of helplessness and frustration in those around him. His passive resistance ultimately leads to the collapse of the entire legal firm, demonstrating the destructive power of unspoken defiance.

In personal relationships, passive aggression is often easier to recognize because we have an intimate understanding of each other’s behaviors and motivations. A forced smile, a silent pause, or a stiff “thank you” can carry a wealth of meaning for those who know us well. However, in the workplace, where relationships are often less personal, passive aggression can be more difficult to detect and address.

Psychiatry has long struggled with how to classify and treat passive aggression. The term first appeared in the “Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders” (DSM) in 1952, but its inclusion has been inconsistent over the years. The concept was originally borrowed from a 1945 report by army psychiatrist Colonel William Menninger, who observed soldiers using “passive measures” such as pouting and procrastination to avoid military duties. Since then, the idea of passive aggression as a distinct personality disorder has been debated, with some arguing that it pathologizes common behaviors.

In today’s culture, where victimhood is often valorized, passive aggression has become a dominant social dynamic. It allows individuals to assert their will while maintaining the appearance of innocence, weaponizing their vulnerability in the process. This behavior is not limited to any one group; it can be found among both superiors and subordinates, as each navigates the complex web of social and professional expectations.

The real challenge lies in how we respond to passive aggression, both in ourselves and in others. Can we develop forms of communication that allow for honest expression of difficult emotions without resorting to hostility? Psychotherapy offers one model, creating a space where individuals can explore their feelings without fear of judgment. In such a setting, recognizing and acknowledging underlying anger can defuse its power, leading to more constructive interactions.

In the workplace and beyond, cultivating an environment of openness and trust may seem idealistic, but it is essential if we are to break the cycle of passive aggression. By recognizing the fear of rejection that often drives this behavior, we can begin to address it more compassionately and effectively. After all, the first step to overcoming passive aggression is understanding that it resides in all of us.